Understanding Emptiness
by p3c
Summary: My take on what will happen if Goku somehow regains his memories.


Birthday special – **My **birthday special: I wrote this on my birthday night. So here goes, reader-sama.

Understanding Emptiness

No sudden light from above. No glorious moment of comprehension. There wasn't even the classic 'knock on the head' to trigger the event. 

Neither was there an overdramatic cry of anguish, which was surprising considering that Son Goku practically lived to produce noise. Even his companions had not suspected a thing. To them, it was probably one of the rare moments when the lad was more interested in the scenic beauty about them to launch into his usual routine. The youth had faltered momentarily in his usual argument with Gojyo, wavering and blinking before dismissing the redhead with a rough wave of his hand, opting instead to gaze at the flower field surrounding them. Gojyo himself had been feeling generous enough with the victory not to pursue the matter.

Peace had then prevailed for a good part of the journey until the two bickering boys found something new to quarrel about.

Up there in Tenkai, however, it was a different story.

"Kanzeon Bosatsu! The upper ranks are in an uproar! They've have heard that Son Goku has regained his memories, and they demand to have something done about this!" Jiroshin rushed to his mistress.

Ever the cool cucumber, the hermaphrodite asked coolly, "What have they done about it?"

"They've sent a petition to Tentei requesting that Son Goku be put down immediately."

"Which the old man will undoubtedly agree to." Kannon folded her newspaper and relaxed into her seat. "They're all afraid for themselves. They're all afraid of a nineteen-year-old shortie. Can't blame them though. Given that the little monkey has been fighting for the most part of his useful life, he has more than what it takes to mess up Tenkai again."

Jiroshin looked only slightly uncomfortable as he stood beside the bodhisattva, "I can't help but say this after being with you for so long, Bosatsu-sama, but I'm actually interested in seeing where Son Goku goes from here."

The womanly visage beside him slipped into a smirk. With a casual lift of her hand, the lotus in the pond parted, "So am I, Jiroshin."

But studying the heretic in question had turned out to be almost boring to everyone but Kanzeon Bosatsu and her subordinate. The brunette ate, fought and slept as usual. He had discussed this change with no one, and went about his life normally. To all but the two usual witnesses, there was nothing extraordinary to the boy's actions. 

But the two gods had delighted themselves in watching how Goku had started to eat _slightly_ less than usual. While the Sanzo-ikkou still ordered a great lot of food at once, Goku ate what was served and reduced his pleas for additional orders. In his free time, he had joined the girls in the village for their daily flower arrangement lessons, and was, much to his classmates' embarrassment, the best student. He also took to staring into space when he was sure that no one would disturb him. Many a girl in class, even those that had resented him at first, had swooned at the sight of him deep in thought, his big golden eyes half-shut in tranquillity while his hands continued to work swiftly and unerringly through vase after pot after garland of flowers. 

Before they left the village, Goku had all his completed work distributed among his adoring classmates. They were grateful, of course, but Sanzo's scandalised glare of disgust deterred them from returning the favour, so they settled for fighting over the prettiest set. Unknown to them, however, the prettiest item Goku had made was actually a tiny, colourful wreath of flowers, painstakingly styled in revolving patterns outside class. Pretty as it was, it was obvious that neither Gojyo nor Sanzo would seriously want it. Hakkai would be nice about it, but with their constant fighting, the wreath would be torn in five minutes. So, Goku gave it to the next best being – Hakuryu. The white dragon was so enamoured by the gift that it modelled about with the ring around its neck, to the delight of Goku and to the amusement of the rest. The wreath stayed even in the dragon's jeep form, where it hung from the rear mirror. 

A slice of 'normalcy' in a life perpetual in blood and loss.

But since the fools keeping their watchful eyes on him had none to see what they had already taken for granted, they had merely reported that Son Goku was lying low for the moment and Tentei was urged to allow the heavenly army to take a pre-emptive strike against the heretic, before he ambushed them when they were least prepared. Tentei agreed.

Kanzeon Bosatsu had laughed when the army made their ridiculously grand appearance before the measly group. The Sanzo-ikkou was clearly not impressed.

"By the order of Tentei himself, we, the soldiers of heaven's army, have come to take the heretic Son Goku into custody. We have the permission to kill anyone who opposes us, so resistance is futile."

The Sanzo-ikkou stared. Goku blinked, "Take me into custody? What for?"

"You are not to question Tentei's orders."

"Goku, maybe it's got something to do with your past?" Asked Hakkai.

The four landed on their feet as Jeep, intuitively sensing trouble, reverted back to his dragon form. Some of the soldiers stared at the change with poorly disguised curiosity before remembering themselves.

"There's nothing there is to that. I got punished and that was the end of the deal." Goku returned evenly. "Unless they want to kill me."

"No way, man. Your ass is mine." Said Gojyo in a backhanded show of support. "They're going to have to go through me, too."

"Sha Gojyo?" The leader gave a contemptuous smirk, "You may be a former Taisho of heaven but you're only a mortal now, and a half-breed at that. You're no match for us." He turned to Hakkai, "The same goes for Cho Hakkai. Heard you became youkai filth. Must've been some experience. Let's not forget the Sanzo, too. Still the weakest of the four, I see. And the King of the Western Sea is now a tiny dragon. How you all have fallen. That's what you get for crossing Tentei and the heavenly army."

"So are you here to follow orders or insult people? Unless, of course, insulting people is part of the order, in which case, I'll have to say that this Tentei has nothing better to do."

They turned to Goku, amazed.

"Why, Goku, I must say that that's the best jab I've heard you put together."

"I'll be. The saru has some brains after all." 

"Oh, shut up already. At any rate, I'm not going with them. Ne, Sanzo, can we just go?"

Sanzo gestured irritably, "They're blocking the way."

The leader flared, "How dare you insult Tentei and slight Heaven's army?! We won't be responsible for your deaths."

Goku stood protectively in front of his companions, "Gojyo's shakujo and my nyoibo are given by heaven, so I'm sure they can work just fine, but I think Sanzo's gun is useless in this battle. Hakkai, I'm not so sure."

Behind him, Sanzo cursed.

Before either party could act, however, Kanzeon Bosatsu and Jiroshin appeared.

"Greetings, Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama, Jiroshin-sama, what brings you here? Is there a new order?" The leader quickly halted his men and saluted respectfully.

"Nah." Drawled Kannon. "I'm here to witness a debate."

"Debate? Bosatsu-sama, we don't understand."

Goku stepped up, "It's you. How's Nataku?"

"You shall not speak to Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama so disrespectfully!"

Goku kept a steady gaze on Kannon, who, ignoring the soldiers, obligingly gave a reply, "Just the same as you've left him."

Goku nodded sadly, "I see."

His companions caught on. Hakkai gasped, "Goku, you've regained your memories?"

"Yeah."

"When?" Was Sanzo's gruff question.

"A few days ago, before we entered Hanamura."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Gojyo's turn. 

"It's nothing."

"Nothing?" Screamed a random soldier suddenly. "You killed hundreds of gods and spilled blood on heaven's grounds, and that's nothing?" His leader gave him a dirty look and he regretted his outburst.

As if the soldier had not spoken, Hakkai gently prodded, "How can it not be important if you chose not to tell us?"

"Mou," Goku pouted, "I did not _choose _not to tell. All you guys had to do was ask. But my regaining my memories wasn't important, so I didn't see a need to make a fuss out of it."

"You're a cunning one." Declared the leader with certainty. "Give it up. You're not fooling anybody. You're just waiting for the chance to ambush heaven."

Goku frowned. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because! Are you acting stupid or what?"

"Look, buddy. We're the only ones who can call him stupid!"

"You're all a bunch of nitwits." Glared the leader, enraged. "Just because he looks young and harmless, you drink up everything he says. This demon is an itan. He mocked the royal court and massacred soldiers and court officials alike without provocation."

Much to the surprise of those present, Sanzo defended Goku, "And he was imprisoned in Gogyo-san for five hundred years with his memories sealed. Doesn't that mean he's punished already? What the hell are you people griping about now?"

There was a howl of frustration, and the soldier who had forgotten his place earlier stormed before them.

"Yahiko!" Several soldiers, including the leader, gasped. But the soldier stood his ground.

"Why are you all defending him? He was the one who caused your deaths in the first place! Kenren Taisho was one of the best generals and fighters around, even if he was rebellious. Tenpou Gensui was hailed as one of the best strategists in Tenkai. Konzen Douji was Kanzeon Bosatsu's very own nephew. In fact, he was practically royalty! That little dragon was the elite commander of the Western Army! Then this brat came and ruined everything. He caused the Toushin Taishi to turn his own blade on himself and implicated all of you into his mess!" He spat angrily, "Yet you defend him even in this life!"

He took a much-needed breath and look straight at Goku, hatred obvious in his expression, "I don't believe you are done with making our lives miserable."

Goku looked at him quizzically, "You seem to really hate me. What did I do to you?"

"You are a creature born to consume and destroy. You are an abominable existence which should have been killed off from the very beginning." Yahiko unsheathed his sword. "Even if you are the Seiten Taisei, I've to do whatever's within my power to stop you from hurting more people."

"Yahiko, get back in line!" Called some of the other soldiers, "You alone are not enough. Let's face him as an army."

"No." The leader's voice was clipped and cold. "Since he wants to act all brave and self-righteous, he can confront Son Goku on his own. No one is to help him. I've warned all of you about insubordination."

"But Sir!" Protested the soldiers. "Yahiko could get killed."

"Then let him!" Barked the leader, "He'd be dead anyway if he comes back to me. I've sworn to kill him personally if he disobeyed me one more time, and I _never _make idle threats!"

The Sanzo-ikkou shook their heads at this turn of events.

A sudden thought struck Gojyo. "Did Goku kill someone dear to you?"

Yahiko was startled, and so was Gojyo when the latter looked back at him with thinly disguised adoration and embarrassment. 

Yahiko spoke softly, his gaze never leaving Gojyo, "I had always wanted to join the army even though I was weak and very emotional. But Kenren Taisho protected me when I was picked on by the others and told me that I was already strong by doing what I wanted to do in spite of everything. He was my role model." 

"Uh, yeah." Said Gojyo uncomfortably, "But listen, it's not Goku's fault. You see that band on the saru's head? Without it, he's not himself. Believe me, I've been attacked by him before."

"All the more he should be put down, isn't it?" Yahiko turned back to Goku, his blazing hatred reduced almost to pity, "What are you if you can lose control of yourself to the extent of attacking even your comrades? What kind of sorry life is that?"

"Are you done yet? What are you talking about?"

Even Sanzo blinked at Goku's surprising rudeness.

"You!" Sputtered the soldier.

"If you're grieving for a soldier I killed when I went insane, I'd have just said that he died in the line of duty, but at least I'd have also felt some sympathy for you. But Ken-ni-chan died by his own hand." Scowled Goku. "I'm starting to get really sick of this. Much as I don't want to make things difficult for you guys, I'm also obliged to journey west with the others, and you're all in the way. Unless Kanzeon Bosatsu allows me to quit…"

He turned to Kannon, who merely shrugged, "Nope."

"There."

The leader started to panic, "But Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama, Tentei ordered to have him captured and put to death."

"He's one of my errand boys. Who's going to replace him if he goes?"

"If we leave him be, he'll eventually come back to us for revenge. We have to take him down now while we still can."

"I'm not planning to take revenge."

"You're in no place to speak." Snarled the leader. "Besides, there's no way we can trust you."

"Then go ahead. Worry for all I care. I've got better things to do."

"Interesting."

On hearing Kannon speak, everyone stopped and turned to her. She kept her attention on Goku.

"Tell me, Son Goku, tell me why you don't plan to take revenge."

"Tell me why I should."

"Why indeed." Smirked Kanzeon. "Jiroshin."

"Well," Jiroshin started, "You were a naïve innocent, shunned and shackled for a heritage you didn't ask for and for powers you didn't even know you have. You made your first friend with another boy who is very much like you, but his father, who denied your friendship, ordered him to kill you. Your friend stabbed himself and sealed himself from the living. After you went berserk and massacred many gods, the only family you knew protected you and were forced to kill themselves, when heaven turned upon them for being traitors. You were locked in a cave, your memories forgotten, for five hundred years. All these happened before you were even ten. Do you not feel wronged?"

Goku looked thoughtful, "Even if I was, I cannot remember who did what to me. It gives me a headache to think that much. Besides, you said the whole of heaven turned against them. That makes up a lot of people. Even if I can kill all of them, what's the big idea of killing all these people for four guys who are already dead?"

"But three of the four were the most important people in your life."

"They're not going to come back to life just because other people die."

"Don't you want to get back at the people who made them miserable?"

"When my memories were taken away, so was my anger. I know of the injustice, but my anger has cooled."

When Jiroshin had nothing more to say, Goku added, "There was a system. I didn't understand that then, but I do now. Ken-ni-chan, Ten-chan, Konzen and I didn't fit into the system, and we didn't like it. So we fought it, and we lost. I don't feel guilty. Maybe I should, but Konzen made it clear to me that it was not my fault, so who else should I believe if not Konzen?"

"Konzen, Ten-chan and Ken-ni-chan are all clever adults. They knew what they were getting themselves into. I don't blame anyone, so I see no need for revenge." Goku scrunched his face in disgust. "Wait. Scratch that. I forgot about the old meanie. What happened to him by the way?"

Litouten. "Imprisoned."

"Serves him right."

Jiroshin started again, "What would you do if you know that your family is still with you?"

Goku frowned, "Are they?"

"What's wrong with you? Sha Gojyo is Kenren Taisho, Cho Hakkai is Tenpou Gensui, and Genjo Sanzo is Konzen Douji. Can't you tell?" Yahiko interrupted.

Goku glanced at his usual companions. "Nope, they aren't."

"Um, they are." Said Jiroshin.

"They aren't. My old family is dead. This is my new family."

"How can you say that so casually?" Yahiko was horrified. "How can you be so heartless as to forget the people who loved and cared for you?"

"You're really annoying, you know. Look at you. You're trying to dress like Ken-ni-chan. You try to walk and sound like him, just to hold on to what you can remember. You even try to piss off your superior like Ken-ni-chan." Goku squeezed his eyes shut, then reopened them, "My family was killed. I did what I thought I could to protect them, but they died anyway. I got punished, and everything was over, whether anyone liked it or not. Now I've got my new family, and I've moved on. You should too, or you'll never appreciate the people around you right now because you're stuck in the past."

"This is my new family, and this is what matters." Goku swept his arm to include the Sanzo-ikkou, carefully including even Hakuryu. "Do you get it?"

Yahiko raised his sword and charged, "Words are wasted on a creature without conscience like you."

Kanzeon Bosatsu flicked her wrist, and Goku's diadem disappeared. Shocked, Goku reached up instinctively and braced himself for the change, "Why did you-?"

He doubled over in pain immediately as the sword he had ignored in his distraction pierced through him. Yahiko pulled his sword quickly and gave a dazed gape at his easy victory.

Hakkai and Sanzo were by Goku's side in an instant, the former seeking to heal him and the latter prepared to contain him. Yahiko was roughly shoved away by Gojyo, and had backed away looking dumbly at the dripping blood on his blade before realisation hit him like an epiphany.

Sha Gojyo had hit him.

Kenren Taisho was dead. Long dead.

Kenren Taisho knew he was weak. He would never hit him like that… And it was then that Yahiko realised that he wasn't sure about that anymore. It was either he didn't know the Taisho well enough…

Or he had tried so hard to embrace his memory of the Taisho until it had become nothing more than romantic imagination on his part.

It was both.

He stared at the now clean blade. Traces of the real Taisho had flowed from his mind like the blood from his sword over time.

The end of the shakujo would have sliced him in his reverie, if it had not been parried off by another sword. 

Stunned, Yahiko faced his leader. "Soujiro Taisho!"

"Get out of there and get back in line." Answered his leader gruffly, sheathing his sword when he saw Gojyo turning his back on the fight. Yahiko meekly returned to his position to sort out his thoughts in silence.

Gojyo returned to find Hakkai and Sanzo bewildered. 

"No wound?" Hakkai lifted the torn and bloodied shirt again.

"How's this possible?" Gojyo knelt beside his friend.

"I… " The three looked up to see the face of Goku's feared other half looking back in amazement, "I'm not on a rampage?"

"It seems you have the power of self-recovery."

"What's going on?" Asked Sanzo impatiently.

"I feel funny…"

"You have gained enough control over your powers to retain your sanity. Congratulations."

"What?" The ikkou yelled.

"Shortie here was actually born harmless and would have developed eventual control over his powers. But the people who had captured and brought him up foolishly thought they were doing the right thing by sealing up the bulk of his powers. His power grew even on its own, so doing that only caused it to accumulate unmonitored. It was unleashed when he went through his first emotional trauma." Explained Kannon. "The initial burst of power released had burned those within radius, and since the little runt had no prior experience and no understanding about its usage it had naturally consumed him."

"Although the runt can't control himself, the power is still his and he still commands it. With this power's consumption, his mind cannot function for the most part, which leaves him to become a puppet to the basest of his instincts. However, his other half can also be instructed to take on a single mission based on his last conscious desire. This explains why he always takes down the immediate threat first. After he kills his target, or becomes too distracted to do so, he caters back to his basic need, namely, that of destroying everything around him in the name of self-preservation."

"As you have seen between the two times he went berserk, getting stronger physically was not the solution. When the squirt grew stronger, his other half became even more powerful. Because the initial release was triggered by his emotional breakdown, his control can only be established through emotional maturity and restrain. I knew you were ready the moment you declared you weren't planning to take revenge. Well then, you'll have to take good care of yourself now. Oh, and you can keep the little souvenir. The only thing it does now is to make you look human." She finished.

Goku tugged curiously at his long ears and hair. Then he stood up, and summoned nyoibo, "We've wasted enough time here."

He turned to the army, "I have only this to say. The past's over and dealt with, and I already have enough problems as it is now without needing to bother about this one. If you guys want to go and fret to death in fear of my return, be my guests. Tell Tentei if he had wanted to kill me, he had had five hundred years to do so. I've decided a long time ago that I like living and I want to live, so if he wants my life, he's not going to get it without an ugly fight. If you'll excuse us… "

The leader turned to Kanzeon Bosatsu, "Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama, will you back us up?"

The Goddess of Mercy smirked, "What are we waiting for?"

The leader saluted and the army disappeared with Jiroshin. Kanzeon turned.

"Wait." Called Goku, his diadem already back in place. He reached into his pocket and pulled out another tiny wreath of flowers, "Please give this to Nataku."

The bodhisattva took the item, turned and gave a dismissive wave before walking away.

"Thank you." Goku called after her, then added as an afterthought, "And thank you again… For saving me from the fate of being an itan and for Konzen."

Kannon stopped. "Thank you."

"Eh?" Goku, already climbing into Jeep, looked up to see not the customary smirk, but a genuine, tender smile on Kanzeon's face.

She was gone in the next instant. "For being Konzen's sun."

Goku collapsed in his seat. Hakkai and Gojyo turned to him, but he quickly raised a hand to indicate his desire to left alone.

He looked after a long while, but it was an even longer while before he spoke.

"Are you guys mad that I didn't tell you?"

"No, baka saru." Replied Gojyo.

"Don't call me that. I've had my own loss like you guys… Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about it, but I decided to make up my own mind about it first."

"We're glad you did." Smiled Hakkai, but the focus of his gaze was neither on the road nor on Goku, "You're a lesson, Goku. You're the only one who has really gotten over his past completely."

Goku smiled to himself and studied his palms, "Gojyo's problem was one that had been going on since he was a kid, so it's not surprising if he cannot get over it completely. Hakkai's situation is like mine, but it's also a lot more recent. Sanzo's mission is a daily reminder of his loss. I don't remember that much, so how do I bear a grudge?"

"You guys had worse. I had a lot of time to get over it. Even though I didn't have my memories then, I ached of a loss I didn't know I had. All I knew was that I wanted to find what had caused this ache, and then never let it go again. But when I got my memories back, I realised that wasn't necessary at all, because I've already got it. So now I just want to treasure what I have before I lose it again. I'll settle for loving something as well as I can, for as long as I can, while it is still by my side. I want to do everything I can to keep the contentment with me until it's time to let go and open my heart to something else."

The others were silent for a while.

"Oi, saru." Gojyo asked, "How was heaven like?"

"Stiff and boring." Shrugged Goku. "You won't be able to stand it for even 2 seconds. I guess you can say it's peaceful and relatively safe. The people there are stiff and boring too. They're all very preoccupied with work and deadlines and cleanliness and order. "

Jeep yelped – or rather, it gave an alarmed 'kyuu' – suddenly. It transformed back into a dragon, dumping its four passengers and their possessions unceremoniously on the road.

"What the! Just what do you think you're doing?" Gojyo snapped at the dragon as Sanzo brandished his harisen and waved the weapon threateningly at it for the first time.

"Kyuu!" Replied the dragon frantically as it tried to fly back in the direction they had come from. Hakkai caught its tail, before he understood, then and there, what the problem was.

The wreath of flowers around its neck was missing.

Up there in Tenkai…

Jiroshin did a double take when he saw what was hanging from a chain at Kannon's neck. How could the noble Goddess of Mercy take something meant for another for herself! He looked over at Nataku, and was equally astonished to see another wreath, with a similar chain, on the motionless Toushin. 

"This one came from the little bugger." Kanzeon answered without lifting her eyes from her paper. "He dropped it, so I was free to pick it up."

"Kanzeon Bosatsu!"

Hakuryu had thrown a fit and refused to change back into a jeep, leaving Goku with no choice but to work on another wreath in hopes of placating their little friend. Sanzo had cursed at the sheer stupidity of the situation and had retreated under a tree to smoke.

Goku was sitting in the vast flower field, the almost-finished wreath in one hand and some fresh orange blossoms in the other. He paused to admire the setting sun, and Sanzo felt his breath hitch when for a fleeting moment – no doubt a trick of the light – he saw his master in his disciple of sorts.

Then Hakkai crossed over to join Goku, and the spell was broken. Sanzo inhaled on his forgotten cigarette once again.

"It makes me wonder, Goku, why you had that extra wreath prepared."

Goku flashed the soft-spoken man an enigmatic smile before adding the finishing touches to his work, "Because Nataku wanted one."

On the throne before the lily pond, a short distance away from one indignant god and an indifferent hermaphrodite, a pale finger traced a trail of yellow flowers along the wreath, completely unobserved by the bickering pair.

Whew! Hey, I stayed up all night to start and finish this all at one go, so this really is a 'one-shot'! Be nice. After all, I'm still in my birthday mood… Oh… Suddenly I don't feel so good…  


End file.
